OK, so you might have to learn a tune or two for that upcoming wedding reception. No big deal, right? Dennis Dotson submits this nightmarish scenario:

Wedding Band Requests

Dear Bandleader thank you for your letter. I really do think you have an attitude problem and do want a few requests played if you don't mind. What me and my wife were thinking was:

-Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange for full ensemble and nothing in 4/4 please.

-Mahavishnu Orchestra, Dance of the Maya and please have the guitar player play John Mcglaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and particularly liked his use of polyrhythmics. If you find it too difficult you can leave out the feedback. Your choice.

-John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of atonality is not everyone's cup of tea, but my guests are usually fond of high register tenor saxes.

-We thought a little Stravinsky would be nice. We particularly like the Rite of Spring. If you want to use the sheet music it's OK. My husband likes it about 1/4 note = 93 beats per minute.

-Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please learn Frank Zappa's "The Great Wazoo". If you want to play it in the originally B flat, that would be OK. And yes, cousin Jeannie does want to sing the baritone sax solo. Please don't say no, it would hurt her feelings so.

-Finally we have built our own musical instruments (It's kind of a hobby with us) and we would appreciate if you would use our instruments. None of them are based upon a 12 tone scale or on common harmonics, but our 5 year old son tells us it's not really that hard to transpose once you understand the physics.

We would be happy to pay each member an extra $25 for any inconvenience.

Thank you and don't be late!
Mr. and Mrs. Snovly