If you get the occasional call from a Country band, you may need this list of terms to figure out what the heck's goin' on. Tommy Peters (who's been known to pick a mean country song now & again) submits this silliness:

Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians:

Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels.

Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps.

Relative Minor -- A girlfriend.

Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.

Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle."

Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you.

Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but...

Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see.

Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

Tempo -- Good choice for a used car.

A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville

Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses.

Cut Time -- Parole.

Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.

Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.

Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road.

Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.

Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.

Clef -- What you try never to fall off of.

Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes," or "Doritos."

Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.

Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing son.

12-Tone Scale -- The thing the state police weigh your tractor-trailer truck with.

Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul.

Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.

Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Be tty Jo.

Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone.

Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.

French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

Cymbal -- What they use on deer crossing signs so you know what to sight in your pistol.

First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.

Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.

Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's apple pie.

Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.